All My Single Ladies (and Gentlemen)

What the hell people? Seriously? Not one? Not a single person objecting to being single? I am very happy :)! I am happy because this means that people are taking advantage of our situation. However this excitement is rolled over like a protester in China circa 1989 by the results of my impromptu poll of 100 people around my college campus.

76% of the people not in a relationship and 41% of those in relationships where actively seeking a relationship.

If someone would have asked me to guess the results, I would have never guessed this. So I wonder... WHY? So I asked why. Why do you want to be in a relationship? What is the draw? Here is what they had to say.

"I mean like, I just like it. I like to have a willing dick around when I want it." Lindsay, 20

"I just broke up with my girl and it's like I was with her for a year. It's too different being single." Dawan, 24

"Me and my boyfriend have been together for years. I don't exactly like being so far away from him [She attends EMU, he attends MSU] but at this point I don't want to break up. I like having him there when I need him. I do, you know, hook up with other guys but that's just cause he's not here." Anonymous Female, 19

"I love my boyfriend, he was my first everything. He is my first love, but we are not compatible sexually. I need someone who is on my emotional level." Anonymous Female, 21

"I have purposely never dated but I think I am ready. I know that I'm young and whatever but I think it's time. I'm not looking to get married, but I do want a girlfriend or at least a few people that I can just date." Francois, 19

These are some of the worst and best answers (my own personal opinion) I could have imagined. I especially appreciate the well reasoned argument from Francois. When I stopped dating I had a similar but opposite reasoning. I completely understand Anonymous Female 19's sentiments but she mentioned that her hook-ups where not known to her boyfriend which is not cool.

From all that I just want to add that if you are in a relationship that fits your needs, whatever they may be, then stick with it. Better yet, use your best judgment. You have every right to choose to be in a relationship that fits your wants and desires. Just keep a constant dialogue going with your partner or partners so that they know they are a notch in your head board or you may become just a line in a song.

"Why are YOU still single?!"

Today on LTASex we are talking about a moment that I am experiencing right now. Being single.

In many ways being single is a great advantage to being paired. For instance if I want to get drunk and slutty or leave my head and my heart on the dance floor, I can. However there also downsides to being single. These basically revolve around not having someone in your corner when you need them or having the empty side of the bed. In my case none of this effects me. (That's a lie. You'll see later.)

In no way am I looking to be paired, but I am not against being paired. At this point in my life, like many of you, I am focused. I am working for my degree, building a career, working on passion projects (like this one), and making sure that I am happy within myself and with the people around me. I am not concerned with dating.

I was talking to a older lady at my favorite coffee shop (shout out to Bombadil's) and we got on the subject dating. She told me about how in her 20 something youth she didn't see their being an option. She finished high school and went to college to find herself a man. She explained, "You kids are so lucky that you have a choice... I went to college and found a husband. I went to the kitchen and found three children. I went to the nursery and found that this was not the life that I wanted for myself. Unfortunately by then I was stuck." She is just now at 62 realizing her true potential.

What is saddest about her story is that I see so many men and women living or heading towards this life today. The chronically paired, the desperately single, and the living for the ring are all heading towards the world of lifelong dissatisfaction.

We are freaking lucky! We have the ability to go out, build a life, have experiences, fuck up, try again, fuck up some more, see the sights, smell the scents, taste the tastes of life. Neither me or you, at this point in our life, should be worried about marriage or any serious dating.

You should be having sex, lot's of sex with lot's of different people. You should try dating, flirting, exploring, and experiencing other people. I guarantee that if you do you will be a happier 40 year old married person. You won't look back at your life say I should have, I could have. You will look back and say wow shouldn't have done that one and how much fun was that.

To be honest, there are nights like these when I sit at home alone scrolling through my Palm Pre's contacts and thinking about how nice it would be have some one to cuddle with. There are nights when  I would rather send a text to a loved one rather than troll the internet for porn or a hook up. Those nights are rare. Most nights I go to sleep content, single, happy and loving the life I'm leading.  I have good friends, good laughs, good food, and good sex. What else does 22 year old me need?

I know I'm going to get responses that label me a hippie. Let me be clear I have never and will never be associated with and hippitry. Hippies are jobless, unbathed heathens and they have no place in our society (joking). I am just a person who understands that the media sucks, and some of our parents suck! The media bombards kids with the ideas of marriage as the ideal but doesn't teach us how to get there. They also refuse to acknowledge that maybe marriage isn't for everyone and that maybe there is more to life. This is why we have to take the time to figure out who we are and where one or more romantic partners may fit into our lives if at all.

I want to know what you think.  Send me an email @ LTASexINFO@gmail.com twitter @ LTASex and now on Facebook search Let's Talk About Sex.

PS.

I AM NOT against monogamous hetero normative relationships even at our age. I AM for making informed decisions and choosing what is best for you now but understanding how it may affect your future. Use your best judgement, and if you fuck up it's ok you can probably try again.

Friday Advice: No One Likes A Sore Bum

J,

Me and my girlfriend are going through a rough patch.  I feel like she has somethings she needs to say to me but either can not or will not. I have asked her so many times what she has going on but she just won't say. I am not sure what to do here.

M

Dear M,

This happens very often and it is totally normal for people not t`o want talk about things that are difficult. I know first hand that it is hardest to talk to those that we are closest to. What she's thinking is probably the same things that you're thinking.

What needs to happen is you need to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok, she is safe, and protected. You need to say that you know she is dealing with something and, whatever it is, you are willing, able and ready to listen to her.  You have to open the pipeline and give her the choice to come to you.   Ideally she will take a pause, consider what you've said and then spill her guts, but we know that is about as unlikely as Duke Nukem: Forever actually being released. So when ever she is ready she will come to you and together you can deal with what ever is on her mind.

If she doesn't open up then your relationship will continue to spin out of control until you both hate each other and you would rather take a dump on her corpse than listen to anything she has to say, and we don't want that. This whole situation is like hunting, you stay in the blind all day, waiting, hoping that something will come around and you can have something tasty for dinner. As we know, often you won't see anything at all and you will have to pack it up and go home bored, stiff and with a sore bum but it was worth a try.

STIs Personal Experience

First off I would just like to say that I had a very hard time finding someone who has a personal experience with STIs. That makes me very happy. Secondly, so far the STI post has gotten the most amount of traffic of and post thus far. It had a surge of over 600% readership, trust me the readership before was modest so we aren't some break out hit but it is up by a lot. This makes me happy also. Not only because people are enjoying the site but also because people are wanting the information and they now have it. So to all the new readers I say welcome to the conversation. To the older readers, welcome back. Enjoy this story it is written by me from notes I took during a interview with a shy contributor. Let's call him Kevin Federline.

She was so friggin hot, dude and we didn't have a condom. We where in the moment and since I was like 16 I wasn't even considering catching something. At that time I was most worried about pregnancy and since it was anal I just said screw it. I knew she was very vocal and open about her sexual experiences, but it never occurred to me that she would have something. Even from looking at her I had no idea what was going to happen. 

I woke up a few days later and went to pee and it burned so bad. I also noticed I had a clear discharge from my penis. At first was I didn't know what was going on and thought it would just go away on its own. After a bit it didn't so I went to my dad and told him what was going on. He took me to the doctor immediately. I'm not going to lie I was "scared, but I made my mistakes and had to take care of them."

My doctor was understanding and answered all of my questions. While the doctor and his resident were nice, the testing sucked. Initially the resident was in the exam room with me, he took a q-tip swap thing and shoved into my urethra, twisted and repeated. He repeated because they would have to do a separate scan for other bacterial things I could have gotten from her anus. When the doctor came in he had repeat the swapping to make sure no medical mistake where made. To say the least, it hurt like hell. The doctor said that I probably had a bacterial infection, I was given an antibiotic and went home to wait on my results.

2 weeks later I got my result confirming that I did have a bacterial STI, namely Chlamydia. I went back to the doctor where he gave me 2 pills of a stronger more specialized antibiotic. I took those pills as I was told and they knocked out the big C. I have been fine ever since and I have been more than a little diligent in making sure to wrap it up every time. My doc suggested I register with the CDC but I opted not to. I did tell the one partner I had between contracting it and getting it handled.

This whole thing could have been very bad, luckily I had a a father that I could talk to and be open and honest with. Let me just add one last thing "In this society we are so concerned with feelings our feelings others feelings. But essentially no matter how awkward, just do what you need to. Go see a medical professional talk to your parent someone that can give you the help you need. Even a simple STI like mine can lead to sterility of left untreated."

 Just so you know, a condom could have helped to prevent Kevin's situation. If you want to the best shot at avoiding this you should use a condom every time with any penetrative sex, including oral. Also make sure to visually inspect your partners genitals. It may seem weird but while you are using your hand you can just take a look and see what's going on down there. If you notice something out of sorts, raise the question. Make a decision with your best judgment.

To add your 2 cents leave a comment below, email me ltasexinfo@gmail.com or follow on Twitter @ltasex

Site

So as tends to happen when you're a creative type, I am currently unsatisfied with the site. I feel like the design is lacking, so I am changing it. I have decided that I am going to do a complete redesign. That is coming soon, keep your eyes peeled.

Risky Business

It is a unpleasant reality of sex today that STIs are a risk.  It's a calculated risk we all take to enjoy the many...many pleasures and benefits of sex. Below is handy chart for all your STI risk needs.  This image is a modified version of the one originally created by our friends at the Sex is Fun Podcast. If you haven't had a listen visit them here. You are going to want to click on the image for a bigger view.  For further reference this will be perpetually available to the right in the "pages" section. Before you ask, yes you can catch all of this on your first time.

The jist for prevention is use a latex glove for your hands, a condom for the penis and a latex barrier for your mouth and other orifices.  If you notice a change in your body that is not normal: bumps, warts, open sores, white spots in the throat, swelling of the lymph nodes, fever, sore throat, rashes, discharge from any place it shouldn't, swelling, itching or burning sensations GO SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!

Curables (Bacterial)

Gonorrhea [More info]:

• Symptoms - Inflammation of the urethra (urethritis) and a burning sensation in men, inflammation of the cervix (cervicitis) in women are the most common symptoms.
• Treatment - Penicillin, for most strains. There is one rare strain with no cure.

Chlamydia (#1 Bacterial STI) [More info]:

• Symptoms - Urethritis, cervicitis. Discharge from the penis, vagina and/or rectum. Can be in the genitals and in the eye (trachoma). 1 in 4 men are asymptomatic (no outward symptoms). Most women show no symptoms. In pregnant women it can case still births and premature deliveries.
• Treatment - Antibiotics tetracycline, azithromycin, or erythromycin.

Syphylis [More info]:

• Symptoms: Can imitate many different diseases. Systematic, it travels through the blood and reproduces. Comes in three stages, 1. Primary Syphyilis - Hard painless sores soon after contact; 2. Seconday Syphylis - A rash that doesn't itch, it is highly contagious at this stage; 3. Tertiary - Too late to treat, you would have bone deterioration. Children  born at this stage can have insephilitis (water on the brain), no noses, eye bleeding, deafness and respiratory problems.
• Treatment: At the first two stages treatment is penicillin. There is no cure at stage three.

Non-Curable/Chronic (Viral)

Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) [More info]: Herpes like to hang out in the ganglion cells and can travel though your nervous system. Outbreaks last from 1-6 weeks. Shingles, and chicken pox are both herpes. Both simplex 1 & 2 can be transmitted to the mouth and the genitals.

• HSV1 - This shows up as the common cold sore. It is not normally transmitted during sex but it can be. 
• HSV2 - Shows up as genital herpes. It is highly contagious and is mostly contagious before symptoms in the prodomal stage.
• Treatment - Treated by anti-viral medication, there are several prescription antiviral medications for controlling herpes simplex outbreaks, such as acyclovir (Zovirax®), valacyclovir (Valtrex®), famciclovir (Famvir®), and penciclovir (Denavir®).

Human Papaloma Virus (HPV) [More info]: HPV has 95 strains, the most common are 6, 11, 16, and 18. 90% of women are infected. It is the #1 STI period.

• Symptoms: Males show few or no symptoms and it usually shows up as warts that go unnoticed or are in the urethra. In females the warts are usually in the vagina and if they are not caught they will go unnoticed without regular screening.
• Treatment: There is no treatment for HPV itself. Vaccines like Gardasil help prevent the most common strains. There are treatments for the diseases HPV causes. Visible genital warts can be removed by the patient him or herself with medications & cervical cancer is most treatable when it is diagnosed and treated early. But women who get routine Pap tests and follow up as needed can identify problems before cancer develops. Prevention is always better than treatment. 

Hepatitis [More info]: Hepatitis is an inflammation of the liver. B, C, and D are all sexually transmitted and can be transmitted through sweat, spit and other fluids.

• Symptoms: Many people with hepatitis B or C do not have symptoms when first infected and can still develop liver failure later. Other symptoms include abdominal pain or distention, breast development in males, dark urine and pale or clay-colored stools, fatigue, general itching, jaundice, loss of appetite, low-grade fever, nausea and vomiting, weight loss.
• Treatment:  There is no cure for hepatitis it self, there are vaccines for prevention.

Human Immunodeficiency Virus/Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (HIV/AIDS) [More info]: HIV is a lentivirus that works by infecting white blood cells and turning them into HIV producing factories. It is spread through blood, semen, vaginal fluids, pre-ejaculate and breast milk. Shows up in 4 stages.

• Symptoms: 1. Acute HIV Infection - Shows up as Flu or mononucleosis like symptoms. 2-4 weeks after contact, it is very contagious at this point.  2. Asymptomatic HIV - This is a period of time that varies in length from person to person. The immune system degrades slowly but shows no symptoms. 3. PGL (Persistent Generalized Lymphadenopathy) - Lymphadenopathy is a term meaning "disease of the lymph nodes" and this is basically a swelling of the lymph nodes. 4. Full Blown AIDS - A severe suppression of the immune system caused by HIV. 
• Treatment - There is no cure for HIV. The treatment for HIV consists of antiretroviral therapy to suppress the replication of the HIV virus in the body. A combination of several antiretroviral agents, termed highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART), has been highly effective in reducing the number of HIV particles in the blood stream, as measured by the viral load (how much virus is found in the blood). A lot of patients have personal health and well being plans to help support their immune systems.

This Is Why We Need Sexual Education In School.

Via failbooking.com

Friday Advice: Don't Kick Puppies

Dear J

I have had a series of bad relationships in my past and because of that I am often on edge and looking for my boyfriends to mess up so I can break up with them. I am now in really good relationship, with a really good man and I was wondering what I can do to help curb by self destruction. He has an ex-wife and two children, which doesn't bother me except he still lives with them. I know him and his wife are divorced and after what she did I don't blame, I just cannot shake the overwhelming desire to make say he's cheating so I can leave. Please help me. I really don't want to push him away. 

Anxiously,

L

L,
You do not know how often I hear this story and each time it breaks my heart. There are a lot of bad people out there who will hurt and misuse you. You must be able to dust off your old relationships, learn your lessons, and try your best not accumulate baggage. I know that I have a lot of personal issues with relationships and dating, when I am in relationships I have to work hard at curbing them. The way I see it is that I would not stop wanting  to pet a puppies because one bit me. I would be more careful, and diligent about not having it happen again. I would not kick the puppy so he gets mad and bites me. Stop kicking puppies, you're not Michael Vick. You say he is a good man, he treats you well, return the favor.

As far as the ex-wife situation, cohabitation happens, especially in this economic climate. I think that your boyfriend is just trying to be good to his children and keep them in a stable household, which is hard when you live separately.  I would think that him being caring, loving father would make him way more attractive.  Just learn to deal with it, and if you can't then just recognize that you may need to leave him and leave on good terms. Go to him explain your position calmly and rationally, see if that does not inspire him to soothe your fears. I think it will do you good, communication in these situations is key. You both have to talk AND listen. Try this and see how it works out for you, I guarantee things will get better if you do. Best of luck.

If you have any relationship quandaries send them to ltasexinfo@gmail.com

Intimacy.

You should know by now that I love my dictionary, so don't be surprised if I pull Webster's out on you periodically.

According to Google:

Intimacy: noun 1. Familiarity: close or warm friendship; "the absence of fences created a mysterious intimacy in which no one knew privacy" 2. the third studio album by British indie rock band Bloc Party. 

My definition of intimacy is as followed: A delicate mental state of being between two people. That is facilitated by continual comfort, trust, and understanding, which leads to openness, sharing, and robust communications both verbal and non-verbal of their feelings, hopes, dreams, experiences, and fears within a atmosphere of commitment, acceptance and tenderness. Without realizing it we often have very close and very intimate relationships with people. Often we find that intimacy forms without conscious thought.

I am able to tell my best friend anything, with trust and understanding, that what I say is safe. We can, have, and will continue to cry together, laugh together, pass out drunkenly, accommodate one another, be an open willing ear, be and absorbent shoulder, ask "what is this weird bump on my butt", and do it without fear of judgment. It feels good. 

I would say 100% of humans search for intimacy in their relationships, more than sex. Humans have four basic emotional needs: acknowledgment, attention, acceptance, and affection. We often use sex as way of fulfilling these needs. In general those who do have hard sustaining the intimacy. 

There are many barriers to intimacy, but us I would say the biggest are:

• Fear
• Aggressiveness
• Substance Abuse
• Mistrust
• Electronic Devices
• Physical Distance
• Stress
• Sex

All of these things take time away from the relationship that is being built. With misuse they all can cause emotional distance, which eventually will leave the relationship to be based on sex alone alone and that is if each partner's sexual needs are still being met within the relationship.

The question becomes, how do you facilitate the growth and maintenance of intimacy? The best place to start is with honesty and comfort. It's really simple, be honest all the time but lie when necessary. Yes, I said lie when necessary. Lying can be used for the forces of good. If done correctly, you will allow people to trust you more because they can recognize when you are lying. The only things that you should never lie about are your feelings, desires, and needs. Honesty and openness about those needs breeds trust and comfort. 


Now you have intimacy, but understand that since intimacy is a mental and emotional state that is always in flux, it is important to continue these behaviors to maintain the intimacy that you have come to enjoy. When intimacy goes bad it can lead to resentment, hatred, slashed tires, hacked Facebook accounts, and...




Nobody wants that, but let's be honest there are less rhythmically awesome ways to go. if I had to die this would be in the top ten.

For more information on intimacy visit the links below.

Romance Class: Intimacy 



Wikipedia: Intimacy

LIVESTRONG: Intimacy

Defining Sex.

I will admit that “What is SEX?” is very lofty question that has more answers than M. Night Shamalan has bad movies and annoyed movie goers. It took me many hours of deep introspective thought and insightful conversations with friends to come up with the following definition:

“Sex is an act between one or more persons that has several purposes, of which include reproduction and stress relief, and can be practiced in numerous and ever expanding ways.”

I think that this definition is the best clinical definition of SEX that can be made. It is clear, concise, and all inclusive. However, it is clinical and removes the personal expression and intimacy that, for a large number of people, is absolutely essential.  So then what defines that SEX? Who can define that SEX? That answer is one of the greatest things about SEX; it is one undeniable truth.

We define SEX.

Each and every one of us has the ability to decide what sex means to us. Your definition could cycle every 13 minutes like clockwork and you would never be wrong. Sex can be anything from masturbation to an orgy to watching the neighbor that never closes the blinds do the crossword puzzle. Each and every way that you define sex for yourself is the correct definition. So that leads us to a new question, what is your definition of sex.

For me SEX is a dirty, slutty, intimate, awesome mesh of emotions, bodily fluids, ideas, heat, thrust, throbs, heartbeats, thoughts, grunts, caresses, looks, sways, hates, awkward moments, butterflies, spanks, issues, lusts, loves, mistakes, fears and the best idea that anyone has ever come up with. SEX is a messy, sloppy, embarrassing, ridiculous, scary, exciting journey that everyone should experience with themselves, one other person, twelve other people, a little person, an amputee and a priest. SEX is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off, but it’s better if you do. SEX IS FUN. SEX is a Mighty Morphin’ Power play. SEX is a verb fest, and an experience that if you respect it and have not fear, can take you to places you never thought possible.

But this is just me, here is what you guys said:

“I'd like to say that I know what sex means to me, other than satisfaction of a primal urge, but I can't say that at all. But then again I could. It just depends on my mood… All I can truly tell you about sex is that I’d like to have some. And that’s all I have to say, for now.” Kevin, 22 (Full Text)

"Sex is an stress relieving sport that I'm addicted to and, I need to have in order to have a fully functional life. Sex with the right person could be moments of your life that you will remember for an eternity, but if not the right person I still need to bust a nut. I believe it takes 60 percent physical and 40 percent mental in order to reach a certain climax but, those numbers could change depending on attraction."  Kira, 22 (Full Text)