How To (Tastefully) Not Be A Pedo Bear & Stay Out Of Jail

“She told me she was eighteen.” It is an interesting situation in which to find yourself. You innocently have a one-night stand with a person who you assume to be of legal age. That is until the police are knocking at your door to arrest you for statutory rape and corruption of a minor. Turns out that the hottie you met at the bar was only fifteen.

Age and sex is an obviously loaded topic. People tend to get a bit testy when you mention minors and sex. This is understandable when the consensus is that every next-door neighbor is a pedophile coming for your beautiful children. Sure, it is true that a child is more likely to be “corrupted” by someone they know, but who cares about facts when we have hysteria. I understand the desire to protect children from being taken advantage of by those who wish to do them harm. However, the lengths that our culture goes to in a noble, but misguided, attempt to keep children “pure” are more than excessive. It goes to the point where parents refuse to recognize that if your child can walk or talk they are, probably, touching their genitals with unfettered glee.

It is understandably difficult for parents to recognize the sexuality of their children. Luckily, our government has had the foresight to enact laws that help to give a general guideline for the sexual activities of minors. Commonly referred to as age of consent laws, ‘the minimum age at which a person is considered to be legally competent of consenting to sexual acts’, is one that varies. Below is a map of the ages of consent for each state in the union.


College is lousy with situations in which people 18+ are interacting with people ages 14-17. This is why it is even more important to know with whom you are having sex. There are no laws, that I am aware of, that prevents the fraternizing between people of any ages so as long as you keep it PG-13 you need not worry.

(Note: Something tells me I should explicitly state that I am not for any illegal interactions between any persons of any kind. This is including but not limited to of age persons canoodling with other persons under the age of consent in their jurisdiction. )

If you find yourself in a situation where you are weary of your partner’s factual age, you should immediately cease potentially unlawful behaviors. Have you any reason to believe the person you are messing around with is underage, back away swiftly and ask to see a birth certificate or state ID card. Yes, I am serious. Statutory offenses are prosecuted harshly, and in some cases, more so than murder. Unless you are willing to accept the risk of possible imprisonment, you need to take, what some people may call, drastic precautions.

Asking to see someone’s ID, if you do it in a non-accusatory way, will often be seen as a compliment. Try saying something funny like, “You look so young; I just want to make sure I’m not pulling an R. Kelly.” You of course could substitute Roman Polanski, Woody Allen, Michael Jackson or any other person you can think of. However the situation is handled, you need to make an honest effort to confirm the age of your conquest before you storm the castle.

(Note: You must understand that no excuse is going to protect you from litigation if you are found/accused to have had a sexual relationship with a minor. These precautions are for your conscience, if that matters. They may also help you in court if you still are the unfortunate victim of libelous claim from an unscrupulous/deceptive minor or their onerous parent.)

One thing I would like to clarify, is that AOC laws allow for anyone that age of higher to have sex with any their age or higher. For example, in MI, it is illegal for a sixteen year old to have sex with a 15 year old but a 16 year old could legally have sex with a person from 16 to 100+. You should also note, before a person reaches the AOC they are not allowed to have sex of any sort. If you are younger than the AOC in your jurisdiction, do not fret. You cannot be reprimanded, legally, though your parents may have something to say about it.

Full disclosure: Typing every character of this post made me feel unsettled. If you feel unsettled reading this find solace in knowing that this world if filled with a myriad of complex and challenging situations and we must be prepared with knowledge. Someone reading this right now could unknowingly be in a questionable situation and this information being available to him or her could prevent a big problem.